Tag: blog

a letter to you

Posted on by Violet LiarPants

hi there i hate you right now. i feel so sick and awful and ugly and horrible and annoying and embarrassed that you didnt tell me that you werent in love with me sooner. sure, you can say you love me all you want, you can say that im so important to you. but if i really was, you wouldnt have fucked me over like this. i left your house and cried the whole drive home, got home and cried some more. and because i know you dont love me i fucking redownloaded tinder and made a new account and immediately got a bunch of matches. oh great im so excited that these strangers like my boobs wow yay. i feel sick everytime i open it. i look through all these people who want me, who think i’m hot and who want to fuck me and all it makes me think about is how you dont want to fuck me and how you are not in love with me. were you ever in love with me? were you serious? did i overwhelm you or something. i wasnt even this miserable when i was seven and thought my dad was going to die. i wasnt even this miserable when i was thinking of shooting myself in the fucking head before i got medicated. yeah yeah dont worry im not going to kill myself because outside of you everything is pretty great. my job is great, i almost have my degree, i have wonderful friends and my immediate family is really supportive. the thing is that i wanted to be the one that you were in love with. i wanted you to feel how i feel about you. i know i cant demand that of you. i wish i could be a bitch and send you this letter and leave you voicemails of me sobbing or something unhinged like that. but the most fucked up thing about you breaking up with me is that all i can think about is how you must have other things stressing you out, as if i am not an important part of anything. and also telling someone that theyre perfect is not right, because it is a nothing word (like important) it doesnt tell me anything about how you feel. and it’s frustrating that i wont ever know what you meant by “a while”. i’m gonna have to be honest and say that i can probably never see you again. i will listen to “how’s it going to be” by third eye blind and sob, but i will not be able to walk through your front door or run into you at a friend’s house. i must let myself be my priority. and being friends with you is not in my cards (get it, i believe in tarot and astrology and you dont? funny tho because our astrology is really good so maybe that is joke too, like how i am a joke to you) planning breaking up with me while making me finish a fucking videogame is insane. i could have lived without the ending if you coould have been honest with me sooner. this will sound pathetic (at least it does to me) but i am still in love with you and even though i could have had sex the same day you broke up with me, i dont think i want anyone to ever look at me again because i am thinking about you. an di know youre insecure about a lot of stuff, but you dont really let yourself get any help so maybe do that. i hate myself for thinking about you so much and for dreaming about you redoing youre breakup with me where it ends more favorably. i know you will never love me again if you ever did and i have to live with that. so tell Apollo i love him and have nightmares about breaking my heart

remember, when you tell people we broke up, you broke up with me, and it wasnt a mutual thing.

r/newauthor/ hypothetically

Posted on by Violet LiarPants

i can’t get over the idea of being with you.

it feels silly that you have such a hold over me since you didn’t do anything to warrant me having such strong feelings towards you. you live your life with your boyfriend who i’ve only ever seen online, and the way you spoke about him when you showed me pictures of you guys made me feel happy for you. there’s no jealousy, i feel happy for you that you’ve allowed yourself to become your true self. the only problem lies with me. in some weird way i compare myself to him, because i wish i could be him. so i guess that does make me jealous. i wish i could be there supporting you through the semester, seeing you on campus, being with you at your apartment, skiing with you, doing things that we used to do together before i moved. the funny thing is, even though im jealous that im not that person doing those things with you, im not jealous. im happy, for you both. truly, i am. i’m happy that he is the person you are able to be in a relationship with and you can do so without any fear or judgement from the small town you grew up in. i’m just happy that you’re happy. hmm i guess i sound really jealous lmao. looking back, i can see now why there was always a sort of understanding between the two of us. it’s clear to me now why our friendship was as true as any friendship i’ve ever had. (when we were small). and it’s because we were both gay lmao, surprise! we clicked so well because we both knew we were different from others. ugh i wish i could explain it more but what im trying to say is that we both had a connection with each other because we somehow knew we were different from others before we understood why we felt different.

i’ll never get over everything you did for me when we were younger. from the times you wrote me letters when i moved, how you made birthday gifts for me out of inside jokes and whatever craft you were interested at the time, and to the times you made me feel included in whatever we were doing when we were around other people. i always cherish the memories we have together ranging from swimming in 8ft deep snow to swimming in the pacific. everything in between felt just as fun, and even more fun at times. i really appreciate these memories and the time we spent.

its fun to think about how good of friends we were growing up. when we met each other in fall of 2007, we didn’t know our sisters were friends on their volleyball team, we didn’t know we were in the same kindergarten class, nor did we know that we were both gay lmfao rofl. i remember you introduced me to your pet snake, and i introduced GTA to you (lmao i was really unattended as a child). your family brought structure and a sense of compassion and encouragement i always appreciated. i saw your intelligence peer through every game you taught me, every song you played on the piano, and every lead role you got in our school’s theatre program (gay lmao). i introduced you to a lot of new things that were unique to my family. you were with me when i learned how to wakeboard, when i rode my first dirt bike, and when i got my first lead role (gay again lmao). sadly, when i moved because of !trauma! within my family, we parted ways. kinda difficult to keep a friendship going when shit keeps constantly happening to you and your family 😼.

part of me wonders what would have happened if i returned all of the nice gestures you gifted me. if i had, would i be the one who holds your hand in public? would i be the one who sleeps with in your bed with you when you come home in between each semester? would i be the one to help you get through the trauma of your parents being crazy liberal while simultaneously being crazy homophobic. its just crazy, because i always felt these feelings for you, but like most relationships i had with my straight friends who are boys, i kept them to myself to keep me safe. it wasn’t until you showed me a picture of your boyfriend that i felt like being with you is a possibility.

also, i do not know you as well as i did. maybe i am just fabricating a dream out of pure want and desire for something i have not experienced with anyone. maybe i see you as a safe person, and thats why i fabricate this grand dream. maybe you’re someone that i see myself with simple because you’ve treated me with such kindness. i guess ill never know, and this is just a hypothetical anyways :).