Author: Violet LiarPants

Hypothetically speaking, you meet a boy in middle school (jumpscare omg) and you’re twelve and sometimes you’re on the same bus, and you kinda just run into each other a lot and he’s friends with a couple of your friends. One day, you’re walking together and you guys make the deal. You know, the one deal. The one where you get married to each other at a certain age if neither of you finds anything else (geez how fuckin miserable amirite?).

Hypothetically speaking, he goes to a different high school and you mostly forget about the deal. You never forget about him, but who gives a fuck about some weird promise. As this is going on with one boy, there’s kind of another boy and like a whole bunch of strange things happen with him, but (un)luckily for you, both of these boys become friends with each other in order for some kind of cosmic joke to be played on you. Hypothetically speaking, several blogposts here might be about the boy without the deal. wow shocked emoji!

It is safe to say (in minecraft) that you might have had a teensy weensy crush on both of these guys at mostly different, but maybe sometimes the same time. nobody shoot! you were twelve, so it’s okay. Anyway, one of the boys is a scorpio and the other is a taurus. Since the Taurus is at a different high school, you don’t have to see him so you don’t really think of him. Except for when the scorpio brings him up. Like junior year, the Taurus is hanging out with the Scorpio and his group of friends and sometimes you get to see him too. So then he’s a brought a bit more into your mind.

Well, say there’s a global pandemic so you spend a lot of time with scorpio as he’s one of the only people you’re seeing outside of your parents and brother who you live with. for some reason, friendships don’t always have only platonic vibes, so there’s a brief moment when you and the scorpio almost fuck (which is literally so weird and like insane tbh because does that mean that he was into you?) you end up not doing that though so your relationship with Scorpio kinda just falls back to the way it was “normal”.

there’s one time (before or after the almost sex, you couldnt say) when scorpio and you go get fast food chicken with the taurus. and there was something so exciting, refreshing, and relieving about it which is fucking weird. you end up listening to a podcast he recommends because you are sick in the head maybe. then he is gone again cuz he goes to college around 770 miles away.

After the almost sex stuff with the scorpio you don’t hang out together as often (huh i wonder why). you still get each other things for birthdays and christmas the next few years, but that stops once he gets a girlfriend. but basically now you see taurus with scorpio except one time when you went to get coffee with taurus, tod, and a chick from highschool (who is actually so pretty and maybe you wouldn’t mind sleeping with her maybe) but it’s very like “adult” which is rather silly to say. that summer you start to play dnd (sorry) with tod, taurus, scorpio, spaghetti sauce, louis, and hot tall girl (bruh she is so hot you would not believe it but actually you would because this is all hypothetical). it’s fun, and everyone gets along and you behave well with scorpio though taurus might have a staring problem.

So that summer was really fun and y’all agree to do the same next year. Unfortunately for you, next year is crazy town for crazy girls. the first time you see taurus is at tod’s sister in laws softball game (yeah she’s a lesbian, get over it) and for some reason, maybe you just wanted to talk to taurus, you end up riding with him to tod’s house after the game. you don’t really even remember all that you talked about. mostly, you called him out on joining a fraternity because he didn’t have any friends. sometimes you wish you were wrong about things. he could’ve joined a frat because he liked greek letters or something. whatever.

this year taurus dm’s the campaign (so you don’t play as a bard, and you actively avoid trying to fuck npcs in the game because, obviously). this does not make his staring problem anything less than a problem, but you can behave. you can have a crush on a friend and not make anything weird for a few months, he’s only in town until like september.

Well. you can behave normally. but he starts asking questions like “what kind of porn books should i be reading?” you go easy and say acotar. you loan him your copy, but can’t remember if he read it. this alone is fine. it’s a little weird, you bring it up to louis. she thinks he could be asking for a manual. you feel sick. the other shoe drops when he fucking sends you if only by the dave matthews band. he’d asked for some metal recommendations some time earlier, but then he sends that. thus starts your downward spiral into madness. you make him a playlist.

it is fucking crazy what you put in this playlist, not to mention how long it is. oh god it kinda makes you feel ill just thinking about it. basically some highlights include if only (obv) i always knew by the vaccines (jesus christ) and almost every other fucking song about yearning and longing and not telling other people how you feel. lol lmao silly goofy mood and all that. you send him this playlist (it is private and you just share it with him, babe bffr) you ask him a few questions about it and without going through the texts (again) the only thing you can remember asking is what his favorite song on the playlist was. he answers with something along the lines of “i think ur favorite song is (nothing but) flowers by the talking heads and it’s mine too” it is okay to kill one taurus every time you want to, legally.

what the fuck is that supposed to mean? are you crazy, and just reading into things or? because you sending metal music and receiving if only is not exactly,,, like that does not make sense. liek? the genre difference? whatever whatever. he goes back home, honestly thank god. you are being crazy though. and you are sick with crush on a man disease and it’s driving everyone around you up the wall. so you decide that you’re just gonna tell him that you like him. and somehow, you fucking do. regardless, he says “he doesn’t reciprocate but i would still like to be friends” i mean okay. you respect that, like you value him as a friend a lot so you really didn’t want to tell him that you were into him because that would make it awkward. so, after that you end up going on like one tinder date a week for the next two months. oops

The semester starts and you get to have a bit of a distraction with school, and because you are strong and powerful you stop listening to the playlist you made for him and try your hardest to claw your way out of crush on man hell. you have a work conference to go to at the end of september and you go to seattle. It’s a great trip, except for the edibles you take with your coworkers one night (now you are soooo anxious every time you smoke!) anyway, you still have crush on taurus disease bad and for some reason you feel so close to him when you’re in seattle, like sickeningly so. not even just that you have a crush on him and you’re thinking about him, but it’s like there is something nagging you about it.

earlier in the summer you, plane flier, and spaghetti sauce had planned to go visit [ ] the major city one hour away from taurus’s school. oops again! luckily for you, he wasn’t in town which save you a lot of embarrassment. that trip goes well, especially because the night before you left, you’d went out with a super tall and ripped man and made out in his car. so that trip was fine and you didn’t feel super close to taurus which in your opinion is weird because geographically ,,, whatever.

That’s october, and things go regular and you kinda text a bit here and there until he’s in town again in may. he texts your dnd groupchat and wants to go bowling (freak) but you say yes because no one else had said yes yet but you made plane flier to promise to go with because you were not about to have this be super weird. Louis came too and it honestly went fine. he was normal, you were normal (except for the fact that a worker at the icecream place recognized you and plane flier as some weirdos who came in and talked about a mansion and some questionable sex stuff), the taurus was behaved. you are out of the haze of crush on you disease (mostly) and you only listen to i don’t want to get over you by the magnetic fields sometimes.

his summer is busy, and your summer takes you on a two week roadtrip and more tinder dates (oops again sry teehee). you send him a song that you kinda like (lacking romantic tones) come dancing by the kinks, it’s kinda nostalgic, but it’s not really a yearning i love you song. in august he sends you tile by tile by alvvays. a band that you love and put on the crazy playlist you made for him. but you actually dont even respond to this text for a month and a half because you got covid really bad and school started and you just forgot. you eventually respond and that’s that. until late october. he sends you witchita lineman by glen campbell. is he being fucking serious? he’s gonna send the girl who told him she had a crush on him a song with the lyrics “i need you more than want you”??? with a text that said something like “i’m kinda in town for thanksgiving” what. what does that mean?

you kinda just brush it off, you’ve been free from crush on taurus disease for a few months, and you like it that way. you’ve even had time to develop a crush on another boy. and because your crazy or toxic idk you end up asking taurus about the guy you have a crush on because they went to the same highschool for a bit (we’ll call the crush dune lover, if this wasn’t hypothetical one could critique the author’s taste in men, but because it is hypothetical there is no need for critiques) basically you tell taurus that you’re gonna ask out dune lover and he hearts the text message and acts real normal about it, so maybe you’ve won this round of psychological warfare??

perhaps not because you and dune lover don’t go anywhere and scorpio calls you the night after thanksgiving and says that him, taurus, and your soulmate (according to one of the best astrology books out there) are coming over. alright, you turn off the humidifier and turn on men in black because you fear that the hang out might be a little awkward so you want to have a distraction. they show up at like 9:25 ish and taurus is the only one to hug you which you kinda think is weird bc normally scorpio and your soulmate would hug you but you move past that. you sit down on the short side of the sectional, scorpio and your soulmate sit on the long side, and taurus sit across from you on a piano bench (yeas the piano might not make this hypothetical situation as relatable) already, this seating seems a little weird.

lucky for you, it gets weirder! because scorpio and your soulmate basically dont say anything at all the whole time they’re over and they just kind of watch you and taurus talk to each other. it’s normal for your soulmate to be quiet but the scorpio usually has more to say. anyway you and taurus are talking and every time it gets to be too much for you to look at him and his freak blue eyes, you watch a little men in black. unfortunately, he notices every time you do this. aqaaaahahahaahhaaa but in a crazy way. he talks about how he was going through some mental health stuff earlier in the year and how in the spring he took a writing class. idk if this surprised him but you are kind of minoring in creative writing (you might change that to your major but who is to say). you talk some more about it and somehow your dead uncle trauma gets brought up and then he talks about poetry and you love poetry and are also in a workshop and all. that shit. then he fucking tells you that you would like to watch scott pilgrim and like yeah of course you would but also, you’ve just been assigned manic pixie dream girl (if you weren’t already). while you’re talking you send him scott pilgrim vs the world ruined a whole generation of women by negative xp (or as i like to call them, misogynist loser incels)

now ish is the time that scorpio finally speaks up in the group. he bring up that his gf made him read credence by penelope douglas which if you dont know is about a girl fucking her step uncle and cousins, though sometimes there is not actually any consent so yikes. it’s not like it’s scorpio gf’s fave book but she recommended to him. i support women’s rights and wrongs mostly except for like colleen hoover and shit. but this convo between you and scorpio prompts taurus to bring up acotar. huh that’s weird. isnt that the book series with porn that you recommend he read? wild. of course, they are really popular books, so he could have spaced it you know, no big deal.

Another thing that taurus says that makes you feel a little enraged is “i don’t really understand the lyrics to witchita lineman, i just heard it for the first time recently.” alright okay taurus, let’s unpack this. maybe he means that he’s never felt such intense longing as glen? maybe he doesn’t know what it feels like to need someone more than he wants them? but to say that he doesn’t know what they mean??? you have taken a hit, roll for damage.

you can kinda still ignore this so you and taurus keep talking and scorpio goes quiet. Taurus brings up how his flight is at like 5 the next morning and he wants to leave at 11 so he can go home and sleep for a few hours before he has to go to the airport. that’s not weird. not weird to send a text saying he’s kinda in town for thanksgiving, and it’s not weird for him to show up at your house at 9:30pm till 11:15pm ish when he has a flight early the next morning. that is totally a behavior that everyone does! everyone prioritizes their tertiary friendships over going to be before an early flight! that is such normal behavior. and i do mean tertiary, like you guys are friends, good friends who talk deep to each other but you don’t talk everyday or know their order at any new restaurant.

before they leave, you grab taurus a book you read for a literature class this semester. the monk by matthew lewis. it’s catholic religious trauma core and basically Foucault’s repressive hypothesis. but taurus went to catholic high school and might have some similar religious trauma to you so you want to share. but you go back to the front room and finish up conversation. as they get up to leave, you go to turn on the humidifier. as you do this, you get a “where’s my hug” from taurus. you see blood and maybe stars because wtf ? in your living room? he’s gonna where’s my hug you in your living room?

you hug him. these things happen. but you make sure to hug scorpio and your soulmate too because you are trying to avoid weirdness at all costs. then the night is done. the last thing that happens is taurus sends you something he’s written that he says he’s proud of. you read it the next night and give it (very polite and well behaved) line edits and send it back to him. of course, there has been no response.

if this wacky hypothetical situation was happening to you, what would you do when taurus comes back home? any hypothetical advice for this situation sure would be neat!

So hypothetically speaking its halloweekend, and one of ur good friend’s bdays is the 30th so she throws a major rager, and you get all gussied up as sexy big titty (im talking huge knockers, mondo hubbawubba chichis) witch in this sexy lil body con dress and witch accessories of course. so plane flier picks u up bc u both decided u wood stay at the house bc u both wanted to get fr*cked up, and tod cant drive yet (crying face emoji) so u wood b unable to safely get back home (whimpers). anyway u both go and pick up plane fliers coworker/friend powerfully cute, and yall are on the way!

Yall make it to the party and park kinda far, and some dude is like creepy to powerfully cute. so plane fliers like, speed on gorls we gettin to bday girls house. so youre walking and meet up with alternative tree, thiccness, cody fern look alike, and sweet little pretty. so you guys do walksies and make it to the party. the house is three floors, with the basement being like ground level in the backyard, but underground in the front yard if that makes sense, but regardless yall have to go downstairs to be in the backyard where the party is really hoppin. and so you meet up with pours too much vodka (we’ll c this l8r) and she gives plane flier a pink shirt bc they are Barbie and Ken (cute alert! but plane is gay heheh which has maybe been mentioned somewhere). you go downstairs and pours too much vodka, starts the night by pouring everyone a “shot” of vodka,,, yeah okay… but her brother is cute asf, amd single so one(ish) shot in, you go and try and talk coherently to him (trrrrry bein operative word here heh) and he’s very attentive and cool and likes classic rock and Greta Van Fleet but he ends up having to get out of there (sad eyes).

By this point ur friends Cal and Saphira show up with Kai and these ladies is being the sanderson sisters, very cute and powerful. one thing to note here is that saphira is a self care queen on lexapro, so she must stay sober. But after greta van fleet fan leaves your first nip slip of the night happens, which of course is smtg u warned wood happen, but saphira is there to save you. So u get like another shot ish and begin talking with plane flier saphira, cal, kai, and plane flier’s cr*sh, bff of bday gorl, math teacher son but funny. at this point tho u only want to eat cheeto puffs, but u spill three on the ground and are v sad for a hot min.

you go back into the basement and corner cody fern look alike, who is fluent in spanish and like you need to practice ur spanish but he’s zooted af and nobody else really understands spanish around you but that doesnt matter bc its time to take a shot. at this point u kinda remember (and kinda dont) that you also had a jello shot at ur cousin’s house w ur brother while ur mom stood kinda disappointed (sowwy momby) but thats fine because u ate some food right?

yeah sure you did. you have also finished a silly and goofy smirnoff ice to go with the undetermined (probs 6) amount of shots u’ve had, heheh. so saphira helps u up the stairs and tod is there and there are cookies and cupcakes and you eat a cookie but it’s like kinda hard, and sober that’s like ur preferred, but drunk it is makin u sad eyes. then u eat a cupcake and u realize it’s a red velvet cupcake which u dont like even tho it’s literally like special chocolate or smtg to do with chocolate. but another thing you realize is that u might be feelin a little sicksies rn hah. so saphira takes u to go sit down and tod sits with yall and youre just sitting and thinking like el oh el im drunksies, and theyre talkin and then ur like hmmm maybe imma vom rn. so u tell saphira.

immediately she gets u up, and i think shes about to take me upstairs to the third floor bathroom from the second floor,,, but there’s no way i can get up the stairs haheheh. so we go out the front door instead and immediately im squattin and vomiting in front of birthday gorls front door. so remember how u said u ate food. the food in question was actually tator tots and eggs. so ig that’s not really a meal,,, which is news to me. but vomiting is making you feel much better, but also super skinny as well, so in and out of spanish u r like “lol soy flacca,,, ahahah im sosoooo skinny” but it’s fine. by this point ur tits r both outside of the dress, swinging pendulum udders hehehehehh oopsies. and saphira and powerfully cute are rubbing ur back and trying to help u, and plane flier is lik “u really thought u ate” (tiktok stan) on a loop. u get vom in ur awesome ded couple necklace, and vomit all over ur hands, and as it turns out, ur suede witch bootie heels or whatever.

So there’s a point when u can no longer vomit because u were so silly and didnt eat enough stuff to throw up,,, in a completely silly way. and as Jesus was helped by simon on his way to be crucified, so were you taken by a group of close friends and one stranger helped down the stairs barely conscious and into a bed in the basement. plane flier and powerfully cute help you out of ur dress even tho ur tits been out for the whole time u vomited lol. and then u r asleep and somehow there’s bread that’s on the floor on top of some crackers, the floor in question is concrete and covered in sand and dirt. there’s also some electrolyte water for you to drink, as well as regular water, but frankly u just need to finish ur task on hayday. and you do, bc ur a boss ass bitch. then u sleep a bit i think, and pours too much vodka comes and spoons you which is very cool bc heart eyes human contact, but then you have to piss again,, so u escape and struggle up the stairs into the bathroom, and finally wasf vom off of ur hands, but u still feel so sick and it’s like 2:40 in the morning so you go back downstairs to drink, and fall asleep while plane flier and tod try to convince pours too much vodka that she doesn’t need to come downstairs and take another nap with u because there’s no way she can get back up the stairs. laughs in a kittenly way hehe.

And i think before u vomited powerfully cute helped u use the bathroom but honestlyi was so fucked up i cant believe im alive rn, the next day plane flier was telling me that they all thought i had alcohol poisoning, and that they might have to try and get me to the hospital,,, cringe alert! but it’s fine. next time i will behave and will not have that many shots, or any weed, which is just another silly thing i did that night but i barely remember hehehe bc i was extremely fucked up and sloppy and not in the funny and cute way, but in the silly and worrying way. anyway ended up having a sick feeling all halloween (duh) but i had to go out to eat for another bday and kinda thought i wood maybe do diesies. but i didnt. anyway, if hypothetically this hypothetical situation happened to you would you complete your hayday derby task, or are you a coward?

SO hypothetically speaking you are kinda low key as well as high key like practicing Wicca lol. but like u’ve also really gotten into tarot hehe, and like at a certain point you just started to only have love readings. like hella two of cups, the lovers, and stuff like that like #divinecounterparts, #twinflameenergy and like ur therapist said u might have anxiety so obvs this stresses u out because u do believe in tarot , but it is not always saying cool calm and casual things. and like the love readings are especially stressful bc like that thing earlier in the year with that one (hypothetical) guy and the french friend situation (french friend like french kissing friend so therefore like friends with benefits). so yeah like that whole hypothetical situation was like in theory super stressful and the stress of that situation followed you so any more kind of love stuff is confusing and like scawy. dhkjsdhfkjhsd. but more and more you began to realize the french friend was not like vibes for u and u kinda are like want to like live on a commune and like just be in love with someone and not be like only just h0rny even tho thats ur brand ahahaha. but anyways the love readings started to be like “yeah, no to fwb, but smtg heart eyes coming for you soon” like soon soon. and so i was like “worm?” like with that one guy? and the cards were like “no sis,,, no” so i was like whoo? and they kept being stingy w details until i started to get the six of cups consistently. whats that, one might ask,,, it like reunion with old friend. okay, so im like okay this cood only be someone i knew like as a wee tot. so i had a little list going in my head of who it cood be. like a couple of people in your life from like youth, so like one guy you maybe had a huge crush on, this other guy you wanted to save from his majorly toxic family, and basically nobody else. so youre confused,,, lik who tf is it especially bc it cood nt be that one guy.

But then who texts you out of the blue on a tuesday when ur actually doing something for somebody that the one fwbish almost guy,,, complicated sry i know. But anyway this one person who was like your first ever friend at all, this person that youve known since u were like 5 years old texts you out of nowhere. hes al like “saw u on snap and i miss u and want to hang and im single now” so okay hypothetically you havent seen this guy in over a year bc of the pandemic like obviously, but also prob bc of his gf who he is apparently not dating anymore. so like one weird thing youre remembering about his girlfriend is that she had said (more than once!) that she like coodnt imagine, or like woodnt want him to date n e one but her (obvs) or me… wtf,,, like what the fr*ck does that mean??? like she never said it aggressively or nothin but,, confusion. but like going back to the tarot aspect, the cards been telling you that someone is can’t stop thinking abt u,, has been like watching ur watching ur socials (yeah obvs the cards are for like ur own interpretation,, but i said what i said) and so initially you think, that is not applicable bc u never post on any social medias at all, but in this one instance he sees u on snapchat on somebody’s story (u were dressed as a hot af big titty kinda witch in like a crushed velvet number,,, but mainly tits tbh) when you were still sober, so u looked hot asf. but he texts and wants to hang out and u make plans and then he texts you,,, like casually ig but he texts your name to u like for example “I’ll see you friday y/n” okay so idk if that’s like immediately some kind of indication of anything right?

Well maybe it is actually. so ur plans get canceled bc he silly and forgot it was his moms bday, but ur like, ok thats okay i can meet with two of my friends who know him like just as well as i do, as well as his ex girlfriend. so last night you go and hang out w the girlies, and ur like,,, hey can yall read these texts im having confuse. and your one friend, lets call her skin care enthusiast is like “hmm yeah it seems like he l*kes you” uhmm wha? and skin enthusiast and somehow a fan of Tool, are both like,,, yeah it always maybe kinda seemed like he l*ked u, like in highschool,, and probs even middle school. Now what the fr*ck. am i idiot???

Tbt to middle school when i had a home ec class with the one guy who tarot said no to, and the other guy that has recently reached out again. and like i cood just be silly and having a hard time recalling memories from when i was 12,,, but like they both had some kind of weird tension ,, i was 12 and h*ted myself and was like heheh noone cood l*ke me (silly and goofy :p) and like ig i just ignored it and maybe even made a subconscious choice for the one guy,,, bu the other guy might have harbored som kind of f**lings for m*. Right im so silly bc we also all three spent a lot of time together during highschool and like by that time the other guy had begun dating the one girl, and like this is an anti-infidelity blog so like obvs he was just like my bes fren, and it was only weird when his gf said to me what she said (again, more than once). SO have i always missed signs???

i think that answer is yes bc im so silly el oh el. but now im like anxious to see him again after so long, and then now that it feels different,,, and not just like a friend thing and more like a kisses and heart eyeds thing which is v weird imo. n e way supposed to get lunch this thursday but i keep runnin hypothetical (hahahahahahehehhehehehe) scenarios in my little brain kinda driving myself crazy. Anyway,, if hypothetically this was your situation, how wood u proceed, like what wood u be thinkin, how wood u be actin,,, totally hypothetical of course.

dont want to really say this but trigger warning, mentions of suicide

I know that I didn’t really know you. But I do know a couple things about you. You like beer, like craft beer, like super expensive and special draught beers. You work out -at least a little bit- and I’m pretty sure you barbecue too. You also like the Giants, but the baseball giants. My best friend does too. You love your mom, and I have the same name as her. You love your dogs and cat more than I can say. You also like women which is cool, lesbians rock.

I remember a few times that I had to go over to your house to pick up cash, or drop off masks, and I would be so nervous because I kept thinking “does she know I am gay??? Can she tell that I’m not straight?” I almost came out (hah) and told her, “hi _____ I am bisexual, and a memeber of the lgbtq+ community.” But I did not.

I vaguely remember when you moved in, I was probably 14, and I was still banking on a hot person moving into that house. But I think you moved in with your brother, and neither of you happened to be the hot new bad boy stalking the halls of my high school. Two years ago (ish) I threw a pretty bangin’ disco party, with karaoke, and a murder mystery. My friend [redacted] realized that I lived right next to you, and she had been dog sitting for you. I gave her a calculator a little while after that, but pretty much by the end of that summer, right before my senior year I started watching your dogs, and your cat.

The first day [redacted] introduced me to the dogs, and was letting me know what to do, but I was wearing a skirt that day because it was hot, and that night was part of this classic car event that my family and I participate in every year. It was fine though, when I met your dogs. I went over like every Monday through Thursday for the next couple of weeks before I even met you.

Then I did meet you. Your hair was long then, but it was always put back. And I remember you had this sideways kinda mouth half open smile that was kinda smirky. And you had kind brown eyes that were like chocolate. So there was Remi, Oliver, Gunner, and Kurry. You also really liked basketball, and Kurry your cat is kinda fat, but like firm fat if that makes sense. Remi loves to play fetch, and Oliver and Gunner play to but Remi is number one.

There was this one time where you and your partner (after she had just moved in) took a camping trip with the dogs, but you left Kurry and your partners three cats at home. I had a thing around 5:30 but I stopped in to feed the cats at 5:00 and at this time you were remodeling so the living room floor was gone, and somethings were going on in the kitchen. I hung out with the cats while I waited for a friend to pick me up to go do something with a bunch of rambunctious theatre kids. She arrives, and I try to get back out the front door. It was unlocked, but it wouldn’t open, and you weren’t texting me back and I honestly felt like I was gonna get in trouble. I call my friend and she just thinks I should go out through the backyard, and leave through the gate. Stellar move. Up to this point you had left a key under the mat for me to use to get in and take care of the critters, but shortly after this incident you had one of those fancy keycode door things installed.

I remember the first time I stayed the night. You gave me your mom’s number, and told me to call her if anything went wrong. Again I was super nervous. Your house is a lot different at night. And prior to that I’m pretty sure I had na anxiety attack at a theatre conference (go figure) I got the shakes+itchy bones in the ceramics room, and had to hide under a table. I was scared to drive home that night, so I drove with Tod and we were blasting Heathers. I can’t tell if that’s poetic or not.

When I got home that night I told my parents about my freak out, and then promptly walked one house over to get to yours. But it was dark because I never turned the porchlight on. I remember that you had asked me if I needed any food, and you also told me that I could watch Netflix. And I was gonna watch Heathers (the movie this time) but Remi kept begging to go play outside, and when the dogs and I were going to bed, Oliver climbed up onto to nightstand to drink from my cup. That’s the only dish I ever used in your house.

Another time I stayed over, and the litterboxes were full because you guys only had two, but you had four cats, so it would have been better if you had five. But Kurry came up onto the bed and peed on the pillow right next to me, you could say I was pissed. After that I cleaned the litterboxes every time I came over. I don’t know if you ever noticed.

I stayed over another time, and I think it was your brother’s wedding, and I think your partner was deployed at this time. But it was a warm Thursday night in April, or early May and I wanted to take the trash and recycling in. I just opened the garage door, but that was so dumb because Gunner is a runner. Oliver ran too, but Remi stayed with me. I think I might have cried. It was around 9, but I called my mom, and begged her and my brother to help me. Luckily Oliver came back, and sat like a shapeless black blob in the cul-de-sac (yes this scared me). Gunner didn’t come back though, so my brother and I drove around the neighborhood for like 30 minutes, while my mom sat in your house with Remi, and Oliver. Gunner did show up so that was very awesome, but I never told you.

In May for sure, after George Floyd my mom needed help filing a restraining order against some creepazoid who lived on her delivery route. You were more than willing to help, and I know my mom is grateful for that. And so am I. You told my mom (I went oustide to play with the dogs) that your girlfriend was in Afghanistan, and you were worried about your job because you were a sheriff I think, and you were gonna have to like patrol or something, which I get I guess, but maybe some of the funding that went to your salary should have went to making sure you were okay.

Honestly 2020 was the same routine for me everyday from April to October, I went to your house four days a week, played with the dogs and cats, and cleaned the litterboxes. I also listened to a podcast like every time. A lot of My Favorite Murder, Sad Boys, Gus and Eddy, and Ear Biscuits. I don’t think that’s relevant, but I also know this letter is more for me than it is for you.

In October sometime your partner came back. Things did not go well. The first time that I came back after she got back I noticed that all of her cats were gone, and it was just Kurry and the dogs. All the picture of you two together, that were above your tv were gone too. And the caricature of you proposing to her at Disneyland was gone too. I didn’t ask you about it, and I’m not sure what you would have said if I did.

In December I was over pretty regularly, and throughout the year I had been giving you baked goods, but the last thing I gave you was Pumpkin pie that I had made for Thanksgiving. I had wanted to give you some kinda treat for Christmas, but I guess I ran out of time. You texted me a couple of days before the New Year, and asked me to tend to the dogs, and you said I didn’t have to stay the night. I did some stuff with my pod, and fed the dogs around six, and stayed till like seven or seven thirty, even though I had told you that I would hang out with them for longer. I came back over around 5:30, and left around 6:30, so I could take a nap (I had been up until four) before going on a walk with my pod.

So that was it until I finally got back home at 2:00pm January 1st. I texted you, and asked if you needed me to check on the dogs. I waited a little while, and my mom had said that she might have seen your truck earlier, and that was that. I felt off about it like all week though, until we saw people at your house, and they we taking all of your like dirt toys, quads, atvs. SO I thought that it was a nice day, and maybe you guys were all going to go play. I had a good time that Saturday. went out with my mom and brother, and convinced my cousin to workout with me. Later me and her went to get her some new shoes, and then we went back to my house so I could make everyone dinner like I normally do. I desperately wanted to make homemade pasta. It was okay.

I had had an unread text on my phone since like 3:40-4:00pm, and when my mom, cousin, and I decided to play a new board game, I thought “hey what a good time to answer this text.” Spoiler alert, wish I never had to open a text like that. it was from somebody that I went to high school with. His parents live across the street so we were friendly, but the text was weird, something about “we’re sorry if you need anything we’re here for you.” what? so I was like, nah we’re all good here, but thanks. He’s a little gossipy, so he told me the bad news. You had killed yourself. Okay.

I just tried to understand, my cousin and I sat on the couch with my parents, and tried to figure out what was gonna happen to the critters. My mom had texted my brother, as he had left, but when he came back he hadn’t looked on his phone yet so he came in like Donald Glover on Community, or like Moses on that one episode of Frenemies (yes I watch that). So that was kinda funny, except for how I felt so stupid for never just randomly texting you with a “hey how are you.”

I wanna tell you that I’m glad it didn’t happen in the house, because if it had, I would have found you. I think that makes me selfish, but I really don’t know what I would have done. Like I would have had to call the police, or your mom, and I would have had to call my parents, and I never would have been able to forget it. So thank you for that. And I also want to thank you for letting me take care of your critters, and thanks for giving me something productive, and achievable to do.

I hope you can see this wherever you are, and I hope it’s better for you there then it was here. But I also need you to know that I have thought about you everyday since i found out. I’ve thought about every time I talked to you, or texted you, and how every time I was more awkward, which I don’t understand how that works. I think about your dogs, and I think about your cat, and I think about your parents, and your brother, and your sister in law. I wish it didn’t have to happen this way, but I need you to know that there are so many people here who miss you, even if it’s in the little things.

Like, I know we didn’t know each other, but I can’t help but think about you. It hasn’t been a month yet, and I know that your parents, and your brother, and your friends, will, for the rest of their lives just have moments where they think of you and they’ll cry. I’ll cry. I know everyone will think about all of their happy moments with you, which is just as important, if not more. The main thing is all of these people will think of you just as much as they did before you were gone. Anyway I’m sorry that you had to go. I do not know if baseball is in the after life, I like to think you’re with your old black lab, the one you had shrine for. And I hope you get to drink your favorite beers, and eat hella Pumpkin pie. But I really hope that eventually you get to see Remi, Gunner, Oliver, and Kurry. And I hope you feel better.

Sincerely, a pseudo-stranger

So hypothetically speaking it’s the first day of finals after the first semester. As you leave your mom asks you to take an iron supplement which is something she had been asking you to do for a couple of months since September.

Why did she want you to take iron supplements? Well in September you decided that you would donate blood, mostly because of the time where your dad almost died, but didn’t, and like a blood transfusion saved him. So you are like yes, donating blood seems very baller and cool. It’s a Monday and you have your easy classes that day. They call you in about a half hour to forty-five minutes into the school day. So the donating part goes fine, and then your sitting in the rest area after, and an acquaintance is talking your ear off about Elizabeth Warren. A family friend just happens to walk by, and says “hey, your lips are turning blue.” uh oh. You say “Maybe you should get a phlebotomist,” and promptly pass out, falling out of your chair in the process while also cutting your forehead on seemingly nothing but the gym floor.

When you wake up there’s a flurry of activity, and they are making sure that you don’t have a concussion. Then they call your mom who’s at work, and then they have to call your dad who’s working on making room for a groovy hot tub in the backyard. He shows up around the same time that the paramedics show up. He’s kinda apathetic as you’ve interrupted his workday, but he’s probably more miffed by your semi-distant relative who’s helping him for the day. The paramedics try tp get you to stand up, and you faint again so they have to take you to the hospital. The ambulance ride is cool because you’re not dying, so they don’t have to turn on the weewoo.

You get stitches at the hospital while your dad is there with your relative, and your brother. Shortly after your dad is like “Since your brother is here I’m leaving, bye see you later.” Your brother isn’t happy with this because he misses a lab, and drops his grade because of you hehe. Eventually your mom shows up and you get pizza, skip school the next day and kinda vibe.

For the next couple of months your mom asks you to take iron supplements, and the day that you finally do, is the first day of finals. Every morning you grab a bagel and some cheese, and as it happens this day your mom also makes you a couple slices of turkey bacon. You never eat breakfast at home because you like to eat breakfast with other people, so you usually eat in the hallway before class, or during class. Today you eat before class, and at the same time you take that iron supplement.

It’s pretty normal at first, and though it is the first day of finals you only really have one test, and it’s next period. Essentially you’re free for the next two hours besides the paper copying that theatre teacher (mean And derogatory) wants you to do because you’re basically a student aid or whatever. Another thing is that flier is also kind of a student aid, but really because of logistics he still has to take a written test about theatre tech, but he is nice enough to let you play that one game where you drag the hole around and it eats like a city, or a group of islands on his phone. Let’s not wonder why the only apps on your phone are like social media sites, and regrettably, Wattpad™️ or like the r with a circle? I am not really sure.

Anyway, it’s all going well for maybe thirty minutes, and that’s when you notice something a little off. As you walk back from copying some tests or something you kinda get like a tiny wee bit of an upset stomach,,, first thought uh oh, maybe shit? But it goes away so you keep gaming on flier’s phone, and essentially you vibe, right? No. Not right. You start to feel way worse, and since you’re one of those kids that is you know, awkward I guess, perhaps anxious, you think for twenty minutes about what you are going to say to theatre teacher (mean And derogatory). Even though it’s like weird for you to be stressed out about asking to go to the bathroom to a person that you’ve had to spend a lot of time, and by a lot of time, I mean over hundreds of hours. To counter everyone in the room is dead silent, taking finals, and the room in question is a theater that seats around I don’t know, 500 people. Okay I guess because it’s not full of 500 people, and there are probably only around 40ish people, but I digress… or do I?

So after that agonizingly stressful, and uncomfortable twenty minutes, you’re into this class like 50 minutes in total, and because it’s finals that’s a little under halfway through, but I guess that really doesn’t matter. You then get up and walk from the right side of the audience down from row “f” up to the stage where theatre teacher (mean And derogatory) sits, probably doing something unproductive. As you walk down the steps all you can do is rehearse what you’re about to say, ‘hey [nickname for theatre teacher] I need to use the bathroom.’ Unfortunately that’s not what you say.

As soon as you get to your theatre teacher you realize you were wrong. In a split second it’s that Capone song from TikTok, the Oh No song, and thats when instead of saying what you had rehearsed you say, “I think I’m gonna vom.” Any questions about what happened next? That’s right. I fucking threw up right on the stage, a big orange puddle with a green streak, which just so happened to be that gosh darn iron supplement. Even worse, I throw up again like a few seconds later, and I can hear lying person scared of birds laughing, as she had finished her final early, and had managed to catch me throwing up as well as flier who had looked up as I walked by. Theatre teacher (mean And derogatory) had immediately run to to one of the wings to get away from my mess heh.

And for a moment I stood there. In my Fleece Navidad Christmas sweater, one arm in my pile of vomit, as flier called my mom. Gotta be the funniest thing I ever did. So I went back into the dressing room, and changed out of my sweater. And for some reason my dad and brother came to get me and my car, because I guess if you vom you can not drive? How would you react if after this (hypothetical) situation, a few people mentioned that it sounded like soup being spilled on the stage?? Soup???

So hypothetically speaking you are at rehearsal for a play because you are a member of your high school theater program. It is getting pretty stressful as lines have to be memorized alongside blocking, and it happens that there are thousand of technical things left to be done between costumes, props, and sound. Naturally one of your closest friends, as well as the lead of the coming show, is painstakingly reorganizing her small cross-body bag. She is sitting on the floor by the trashcan for at least an hour doing this as everyone runs around finishing of last minute tasks. The mood is a Friday mood, meaning that it is Friday, and everybody in your theater is ready for the day to be over at five.

You and a few of your friends are acquainted with a couple theatre kids over at a different high school that is like 45 minutes away. The plan is to leave rehearsal, meet at your house, eat dinner, and drive to see A Christmas Carol. Plan starts good, rehearsal is out at five, and you drop of ur friends minion lover, and tod because your other friend plane flier will be bringing them over to your house for dinner. And your friend alternative tree and her gf boxer chick will arrive with talented actress/singer for dinner. Okay, this is good! You get home and make some spaghetti quick as possible for your friends, and your immediate family. Basically as soon as it is finished your friends arrive, and the clock is ticking. You guys want to leave the house by like six since the show starts at seven. Everyone eats pretty quickly and you are just rinsing off a couple of dishes when it happens. Tod walks by ur new cat tchotcke/figurine. A special cat indeed. One that you had bought in October when your theatre troop had went on a trip to Ashland Oregon to the Shakespeare Festival. You had bought this cat like an hour before seeing Hairspray (a musical that totally slaps). Anyway you had the cat with you in the theatre and its little foot broke off. Okay, you cried maybe, and then minion lover was like “maybe you can buy a new one?” but like a person working at the store was like “yeah its a super cat, and that’s the last one left here, its eyes light up! I almost bought it myself.”

Flash forward only like a month and fucking tod walks by and it falls to the ground. In that moment all of the chatter in your open concept kitchen/living room stops. Your friends become silent, your mom and dad stop talking. Tod stands frozen, and so do you until tod looks at you. You rush from the sink to tod, which is where the cat had fallen. Lo and behold my fucking cat is completely shattered all over the floor. I begin to sob, like real crocodile tears, a little wailing, and I’m on my knees on the floor shakily trying to pick up the pieces of my beautiful cat. Ane hypothetically your dad is ready to kill tod, like ready to take tod outside and destroy him. Everyone else in the room watches as you weep, cleaning up your destroyed cat. But its six oclock, so its time to get on the road. As you sit in the car you are still crying, tod is still apologizing, and minion lover is trying to explain that tod didn’t even touch the cat, he just walked by, and the shift in air or something must have knocked the cat over. At the same time your other friends are trying to continue what your mom had started at home, which was a hunt for the cat anywhere online. There was no success. Basically you cry for fifteen minutes on the way to the show plus the tears shed at your house.

Because its a Friday night -and most of the group is tired- you stop at Starbucks and a little gas station to get some drinks and stuff. Out of guilt tod buys you a chocolate milk. You go into the gas station with alternative tree and she buys herself a five hour energy which is pretty normal. Soon enough everyone is done and ready to get to the show. You guys are all tired, and you are emotionally drained to be frank.

The show is okay, costumes are cute, and scrooge is doing a good job. After the show is kind of a blur, but that’s the usual with any kind of theatre production. because it is all such a whirlwind. You manage to see your friends from that school, and then it is time to leave. The resentment you hold for tod -regarding the murder of your cat- is still simmering a little bit, but otherwise all is well. As you begin driving home tod and minion lover decide that they want Taco Bell, you are down as well, though you only buy dessert. The drive is simple and uneventful until you make your first stop to drop off talented actress/singer.

Once she is out of the SUV (it belongs to fliers grandma) you simply pose a question “lfleire tod g osit front?” This of course isn’t verbatim, but it’s close enough. When you say this minion lover starts wheezing, but you’re thinking to yourself that it really isn’t that funny. It’s November 15th, but you did just watch A Christmas Carol, so you and boxer chick are in the mood to sing some Hanukah tunes, so we do. You are both being so loud and annoying that minion lover, who was already wheezing begins to gasp out “I’m going to throw up” so nothing changes, you and boxer girl continue to sing, alternative tree is social media-ing, and tod and flier are talking. This is fine – for a couple of minutes- when suddenly I hear a yak. Like a vomit noise. “I threw up! I threw up.” minion lover is now crying a little, and boxer girl and I quit noising as well as tod and flier. We pull over and minion lover gets out of the car to maybe throw up a little more into some bushes and rocks on the side of the road. It’s flier’s grandma’s car, and she has wet wipes in the console, so flier gives one to minion lover, and tells her to get any spot in the car where she might have gotten upchuck. Unfortunately for minion lover she threw up all over herself, and her freshly reorganized bag which remember she had spent at least an hour cleaning it out and reorganizing it.

Minion lover decides she’s ready to get back into the car, but there’s one last hang up. We can’t drop her off first because she left her one and only phone charger at my house. So we have to drive to my house while she is covered in her own throw up. We are quiet. And that next Monday tod and flier tell me that they just watched her clean up her vomit when they were outside of her house. Anyway this is all hypothetical, but if it had happened to you, what would you do about the broken cat? What would you do about your friend vomiting from a combination of laughter and Taco Bell? Also would you believe it was like an air shift that made the cat fall, or was it a ghost that may or may not live in your house?