i can’t get over the idea of being with you.
it feels silly that you have such a hold over me since you didn’t do anything to warrant me having such strong feelings towards you. you live your life with your boyfriend who i’ve only ever seen online, and the way you spoke about him when you showed me pictures of you guys made me feel happy for you. there’s no jealousy, i feel happy for you that you’ve allowed yourself to become your true self. the only problem lies with me. in some weird way i compare myself to him, because i wish i could be him. so i guess that does make me jealous. i wish i could be there supporting you through the semester, seeing you on campus, being with you at your apartment, skiing with you, doing things that we used to do together before i moved. the funny thing is, even though im jealous that im not that person doing those things with you, im not jealous. im happy, for you both. truly, i am. i’m happy that he is the person you are able to be in a relationship with and you can do so without any fear or judgement from the small town you grew up in. i’m just happy that you’re happy. hmm i guess i sound really jealous lmao. looking back, i can see now why there was always a sort of understanding between the two of us. it’s clear to me now why our friendship was as true as any friendship i’ve ever had. (when we were small). and it’s because we were both gay lmao, surprise! we clicked so well because we both knew we were different from others. ugh i wish i could explain it more but what im trying to say is that we both had a connection with each other because we somehow knew we were different from others before we understood why we felt different.
i’ll never get over everything you did for me when we were younger. from the times you wrote me letters when i moved, how you made birthday gifts for me out of inside jokes and whatever craft you were interested at the time, and to the times you made me feel included in whatever we were doing when we were around other people. i always cherish the memories we have together ranging from swimming in 8ft deep snow to swimming in the pacific. everything in between felt just as fun, and even more fun at times. i really appreciate these memories and the time we spent.
its fun to think about how good of friends we were growing up. when we met each other in fall of 2007, we didn’t know our sisters were friends on their volleyball team, we didn’t know we were in the same kindergarten class, nor did we know that we were both gay lmfao rofl. i remember you introduced me to your pet snake, and i introduced GTA to you (lmao i was really unattended as a child). your family brought structure and a sense of compassion and encouragement i always appreciated. i saw your intelligence peer through every game you taught me, every song you played on the piano, and every lead role you got in our school’s theatre program (gay lmao). i introduced you to a lot of new things that were unique to my family. you were with me when i learned how to wakeboard, when i rode my first dirt bike, and when i got my first lead role (gay again lmao). sadly, when i moved because of !trauma! within my family, we parted ways. kinda difficult to keep a friendship going when shit keeps constantly happening to you and your family 😼.
part of me wonders what would have happened if i returned all of the nice gestures you gifted me. if i had, would i be the one who holds your hand in public? would i be the one who sleeps with in your bed with you when you come home in between each semester? would i be the one to help you get through the trauma of your parents being crazy liberal while simultaneously being crazy homophobic. its just crazy, because i always felt these feelings for you, but like most relationships i had with my straight friends who are boys, i kept them to myself to keep me safe. it wasn’t until you showed me a picture of your boyfriend that i felt like being with you is a possibility.
also, i do not know you as well as i did. maybe i am just fabricating a dream out of pure want and desire for something i have not experienced with anyone. maybe i see you as a safe person, and thats why i fabricate this grand dream. maybe you’re someone that i see myself with simple because you’ve treated me with such kindness. i guess ill never know, and this is just a hypothetical anyways :).
hypothetically speaking 