Hypothetically speaking, you meet a boy in middle school (jumpscare omg) and you’re twelve and sometimes you’re on the same bus, and you kinda just run into each other a lot and he’s friends with a couple of your friends. One day, you’re walking together and you guys make the deal. You know, the one deal. The one where you get married to each other at a certain age if neither of you finds anything else (geez how fuckin miserable amirite?).
Hypothetically speaking, he goes to a different high school and you mostly forget about the deal. You never forget about him, but who gives a fuck about some weird promise. As this is going on with one boy, there’s kind of another boy and like a whole bunch of strange things happen with him, but (un)luckily for you, both of these boys become friends with each other in order for some kind of cosmic joke to be played on you. Hypothetically speaking, several blogposts here might be about the boy without the deal. wow shocked emoji!
It is safe to say (in minecraft) that you might have had a teensy weensy crush on both of these guys at mostly different, but maybe sometimes the same time. nobody shoot! you were twelve, so it’s okay. Anyway, one of the boys is a scorpio and the other is a taurus. Since the Taurus is at a different high school, you don’t have to see him so you don’t really think of him. Except for when the scorpio brings him up. Like junior year, the Taurus is hanging out with the Scorpio and his group of friends and sometimes you get to see him too. So then he’s a brought a bit more into your mind.
Well, say there’s a global pandemic so you spend a lot of time with scorpio as he’s one of the only people you’re seeing outside of your parents and brother who you live with. for some reason, friendships don’t always have only platonic vibes, so there’s a brief moment when you and the scorpio almost fuck (which is literally so weird and like insane tbh because does that mean that he was into you?) you end up not doing that though so your relationship with Scorpio kinda just falls back to the way it was “normal”.
there’s one time (before or after the almost sex, you couldnt say) when scorpio and you go get fast food chicken with the taurus. and there was something so exciting, refreshing, and relieving about it which is fucking weird. you end up listening to a podcast he recommends because you are sick in the head maybe. then he is gone again cuz he goes to college around 770 miles away.
After the almost sex stuff with the scorpio you don’t hang out together as often (huh i wonder why). you still get each other things for birthdays and christmas the next few years, but that stops once he gets a girlfriend. but basically now you see taurus with scorpio except one time when you went to get coffee with taurus, tod, and a chick from highschool (who is actually so pretty and maybe you wouldn’t mind sleeping with her maybe) but it’s very like “adult” which is rather silly to say. that summer you start to play dnd (sorry) with tod, taurus, scorpio, spaghetti sauce, louis, and hot tall girl (bruh she is so hot you would not believe it but actually you would because this is all hypothetical). it’s fun, and everyone gets along and you behave well with scorpio though taurus might have a staring problem.
So that summer was really fun and y’all agree to do the same next year. Unfortunately for you, next year is crazy town for crazy girls. the first time you see taurus is at tod’s sister in laws softball game (yeah she’s a lesbian, get over it) and for some reason, maybe you just wanted to talk to taurus, you end up riding with him to tod’s house after the game. you don’t really even remember all that you talked about. mostly, you called him out on joining a fraternity because he didn’t have any friends. sometimes you wish you were wrong about things. he could’ve joined a frat because he liked greek letters or something. whatever.
this year taurus dm’s the campaign (so you don’t play as a bard, and you actively avoid trying to fuck npcs in the game because, obviously). this does not make his staring problem anything less than a problem, but you can behave. you can have a crush on a friend and not make anything weird for a few months, he’s only in town until like september.
Well. you can behave normally. but he starts asking questions like “what kind of porn books should i be reading?” you go easy and say acotar. you loan him your copy, but can’t remember if he read it. this alone is fine. it’s a little weird, you bring it up to louis. she thinks he could be asking for a manual. you feel sick. the other shoe drops when he fucking sends you if only by the dave matthews band. he’d asked for some metal recommendations some time earlier, but then he sends that. thus starts your downward spiral into madness. you make him a playlist.
it is fucking crazy what you put in this playlist, not to mention how long it is. oh god it kinda makes you feel ill just thinking about it. basically some highlights include if only (obv) i always knew by the vaccines (jesus christ) and almost every other fucking song about yearning and longing and not telling other people how you feel. lol lmao silly goofy mood and all that. you send him this playlist (it is private and you just share it with him, babe bffr) you ask him a few questions about it and without going through the texts (again) the only thing you can remember asking is what his favorite song on the playlist was. he answers with something along the lines of “i think ur favorite song is (nothing but) flowers by the talking heads and it’s mine too” it is okay to kill one taurus every time you want to, legally.
what the fuck is that supposed to mean? are you crazy, and just reading into things or? because you sending metal music and receiving if only is not exactly,,, like that does not make sense. liek? the genre difference? whatever whatever. he goes back home, honestly thank god. you are being crazy though. and you are sick with crush on a man disease and it’s driving everyone around you up the wall. so you decide that you’re just gonna tell him that you like him. and somehow, you fucking do. regardless, he says “he doesn’t reciprocate but i would still like to be friends” i mean okay. you respect that, like you value him as a friend a lot so you really didn’t want to tell him that you were into him because that would make it awkward. so, after that you end up going on like one tinder date a week for the next two months. oops
The semester starts and you get to have a bit of a distraction with school, and because you are strong and powerful you stop listening to the playlist you made for him and try your hardest to claw your way out of crush on man hell. you have a work conference to go to at the end of september and you go to seattle. It’s a great trip, except for the edibles you take with your coworkers one night (now you are soooo anxious every time you smoke!) anyway, you still have crush on taurus disease bad and for some reason you feel so close to him when you’re in seattle, like sickeningly so. not even just that you have a crush on him and you’re thinking about him, but it’s like there is something nagging you about it.
earlier in the summer you, plane flier, and spaghetti sauce had planned to go visit [ ] the major city one hour away from taurus’s school. oops again! luckily for you, he wasn’t in town which save you a lot of embarrassment. that trip goes well, especially because the night before you left, you’d went out with a super tall and ripped man and made out in his car. so that trip was fine and you didn’t feel super close to taurus which in your opinion is weird because geographically ,,, whatever.
That’s october, and things go regular and you kinda text a bit here and there until he’s in town again in may. he texts your dnd groupchat and wants to go bowling (freak) but you say yes because no one else had said yes yet but you made plane flier to promise to go with because you were not about to have this be super weird. Louis came too and it honestly went fine. he was normal, you were normal (except for the fact that a worker at the icecream place recognized you and plane flier as some weirdos who came in and talked about a mansion and some questionable sex stuff), the taurus was behaved. you are out of the haze of crush on you disease (mostly) and you only listen to i don’t want to get over you by the magnetic fields sometimes.
his summer is busy, and your summer takes you on a two week roadtrip and more tinder dates (oops again sry teehee). you send him a song that you kinda like (lacking romantic tones) come dancing by the kinks, it’s kinda nostalgic, but it’s not really a yearning i love you song. in august he sends you tile by tile by alvvays. a band that you love and put on the crazy playlist you made for him. but you actually dont even respond to this text for a month and a half because you got covid really bad and school started and you just forgot. you eventually respond and that’s that. until late october. he sends you witchita lineman by glen campbell. is he being fucking serious? he’s gonna send the girl who told him she had a crush on him a song with the lyrics “i need you more than want you”??? with a text that said something like “i’m kinda in town for thanksgiving” what. what does that mean?
you kinda just brush it off, you’ve been free from crush on taurus disease for a few months, and you like it that way. you’ve even had time to develop a crush on another boy. and because your crazy or toxic idk you end up asking taurus about the guy you have a crush on because they went to the same highschool for a bit (we’ll call the crush dune lover, if this wasn’t hypothetical one could critique the author’s taste in men, but because it is hypothetical there is no need for critiques) basically you tell taurus that you’re gonna ask out dune lover and he hearts the text message and acts real normal about it, so maybe you’ve won this round of psychological warfare??
perhaps not because you and dune lover don’t go anywhere and scorpio calls you the night after thanksgiving and says that him, taurus, and your soulmate (according to one of the best astrology books out there) are coming over. alright, you turn off the humidifier and turn on men in black because you fear that the hang out might be a little awkward so you want to have a distraction. they show up at like 9:25 ish and taurus is the only one to hug you which you kinda think is weird bc normally scorpio and your soulmate would hug you but you move past that. you sit down on the short side of the sectional, scorpio and your soulmate sit on the long side, and taurus sit across from you on a piano bench (yeas the piano might not make this hypothetical situation as relatable) already, this seating seems a little weird.
lucky for you, it gets weirder! because scorpio and your soulmate basically dont say anything at all the whole time they’re over and they just kind of watch you and taurus talk to each other. it’s normal for your soulmate to be quiet but the scorpio usually has more to say. anyway you and taurus are talking and every time it gets to be too much for you to look at him and his freak blue eyes, you watch a little men in black. unfortunately, he notices every time you do this. aqaaaahahahaahhaaa but in a crazy way. he talks about how he was going through some mental health stuff earlier in the year and how in the spring he took a writing class. idk if this surprised him but you are kind of minoring in creative writing (you might change that to your major but who is to say). you talk some more about it and somehow your dead uncle trauma gets brought up and then he talks about poetry and you love poetry and are also in a workshop and all. that shit. then he fucking tells you that you would like to watch scott pilgrim and like yeah of course you would but also, you’ve just been assigned manic pixie dream girl (if you weren’t already). while you’re talking you send him scott pilgrim vs the world ruined a whole generation of women by negative xp (or as i like to call them, misogynist loser incels)
now ish is the time that scorpio finally speaks up in the group. he bring up that his gf made him read credence by penelope douglas which if you dont know is about a girl fucking her step uncle and cousins, though sometimes there is not actually any consent so yikes. it’s not like it’s scorpio gf’s fave book but she recommended to him. i support women’s rights and wrongs mostly except for like colleen hoover and shit. but this convo between you and scorpio prompts taurus to bring up acotar. huh that’s weird. isnt that the book series with porn that you recommend he read? wild. of course, they are really popular books, so he could have spaced it you know, no big deal.
Another thing that taurus says that makes you feel a little enraged is “i don’t really understand the lyrics to witchita lineman, i just heard it for the first time recently.” alright okay taurus, let’s unpack this. maybe he means that he’s never felt such intense longing as glen? maybe he doesn’t know what it feels like to need someone more than he wants them? but to say that he doesn’t know what they mean??? you have taken a hit, roll for damage.
you can kinda still ignore this so you and taurus keep talking and scorpio goes quiet. Taurus brings up how his flight is at like 5 the next morning and he wants to leave at 11 so he can go home and sleep for a few hours before he has to go to the airport. that’s not weird. not weird to send a text saying he’s kinda in town for thanksgiving, and it’s not weird for him to show up at your house at 9:30pm till 11:15pm ish when he has a flight early the next morning. that is totally a behavior that everyone does! everyone prioritizes their tertiary friendships over going to be before an early flight! that is such normal behavior. and i do mean tertiary, like you guys are friends, good friends who talk deep to each other but you don’t talk everyday or know their order at any new restaurant.
before they leave, you grab taurus a book you read for a literature class this semester. the monk by matthew lewis. it’s catholic religious trauma core and basically Foucault’s repressive hypothesis. but taurus went to catholic high school and might have some similar religious trauma to you so you want to share. but you go back to the front room and finish up conversation. as they get up to leave, you go to turn on the humidifier. as you do this, you get a “where’s my hug” from taurus. you see blood and maybe stars because wtf ? in your living room? he’s gonna where’s my hug you in your living room?
you hug him. these things happen. but you make sure to hug scorpio and your soulmate too because you are trying to avoid weirdness at all costs. then the night is done. the last thing that happens is taurus sends you something he’s written that he says he’s proud of. you read it the next night and give it (very polite and well behaved) line edits and send it back to him. of course, there has been no response.
if this wacky hypothetical situation was happening to you, what would you do when taurus comes back home? any hypothetical advice for this situation sure would be neat!
hypothetically speaking 