dont want to really say this but trigger warning, mentions of suicide
I know that I didn’t really know you. But I do know a couple things about you. You like beer, like craft beer, like super expensive and special draught beers. You work out -at least a little bit- and I’m pretty sure you barbecue too. You also like the Giants, but the baseball giants. My best friend does too. You love your mom, and I have the same name as her. You love your dogs and cat more than I can say. You also like women which is cool, lesbians rock.
I remember a few times that I had to go over to your house to pick up cash, or drop off masks, and I would be so nervous because I kept thinking “does she know I am gay??? Can she tell that I’m not straight?” I almost came out (hah) and told her, “hi _____ I am bisexual, and a memeber of the lgbtq+ community.” But I did not.
I vaguely remember when you moved in, I was probably 14, and I was still banking on a hot person moving into that house. But I think you moved in with your brother, and neither of you happened to be the hot new bad boy stalking the halls of my high school. Two years ago (ish) I threw a pretty bangin’ disco party, with karaoke, and a murder mystery. My friend [redacted] realized that I lived right next to you, and she had been dog sitting for you. I gave her a calculator a little while after that, but pretty much by the end of that summer, right before my senior year I started watching your dogs, and your cat.
The first day [redacted] introduced me to the dogs, and was letting me know what to do, but I was wearing a skirt that day because it was hot, and that night was part of this classic car event that my family and I participate in every year. It was fine though, when I met your dogs. I went over like every Monday through Thursday for the next couple of weeks before I even met you.
Then I did meet you. Your hair was long then, but it was always put back. And I remember you had this sideways kinda mouth half open smile that was kinda smirky. And you had kind brown eyes that were like chocolate. So there was Remi, Oliver, Gunner, and Kurry. You also really liked basketball, and Kurry your cat is kinda fat, but like firm fat if that makes sense. Remi loves to play fetch, and Oliver and Gunner play to but Remi is number one.
There was this one time where you and your partner (after she had just moved in) took a camping trip with the dogs, but you left Kurry and your partners three cats at home. I had a thing around 5:30 but I stopped in to feed the cats at 5:00 and at this time you were remodeling so the living room floor was gone, and somethings were going on in the kitchen. I hung out with the cats while I waited for a friend to pick me up to go do something with a bunch of rambunctious theatre kids. She arrives, and I try to get back out the front door. It was unlocked, but it wouldn’t open, and you weren’t texting me back and I honestly felt like I was gonna get in trouble. I call my friend and she just thinks I should go out through the backyard, and leave through the gate. Stellar move. Up to this point you had left a key under the mat for me to use to get in and take care of the critters, but shortly after this incident you had one of those fancy keycode door things installed.
I remember the first time I stayed the night. You gave me your mom’s number, and told me to call her if anything went wrong. Again I was super nervous. Your house is a lot different at night. And prior to that I’m pretty sure I had na anxiety attack at a theatre conference (go figure) I got the shakes+itchy bones in the ceramics room, and had to hide under a table. I was scared to drive home that night, so I drove with Tod and we were blasting Heathers. I can’t tell if that’s poetic or not.
When I got home that night I told my parents about my freak out, and then promptly walked one house over to get to yours. But it was dark because I never turned the porchlight on. I remember that you had asked me if I needed any food, and you also told me that I could watch Netflix. And I was gonna watch Heathers (the movie this time) but Remi kept begging to go play outside, and when the dogs and I were going to bed, Oliver climbed up onto to nightstand to drink from my cup. That’s the only dish I ever used in your house.
Another time I stayed over, and the litterboxes were full because you guys only had two, but you had four cats, so it would have been better if you had five. But Kurry came up onto the bed and peed on the pillow right next to me, you could say I was pissed. After that I cleaned the litterboxes every time I came over. I don’t know if you ever noticed.
I stayed over another time, and I think it was your brother’s wedding, and I think your partner was deployed at this time. But it was a warm Thursday night in April, or early May and I wanted to take the trash and recycling in. I just opened the garage door, but that was so dumb because Gunner is a runner. Oliver ran too, but Remi stayed with me. I think I might have cried. It was around 9, but I called my mom, and begged her and my brother to help me. Luckily Oliver came back, and sat like a shapeless black blob in the cul-de-sac (yes this scared me). Gunner didn’t come back though, so my brother and I drove around the neighborhood for like 30 minutes, while my mom sat in your house with Remi, and Oliver. Gunner did show up so that was very awesome, but I never told you.
In May for sure, after George Floyd my mom needed help filing a restraining order against some creepazoid who lived on her delivery route. You were more than willing to help, and I know my mom is grateful for that. And so am I. You told my mom (I went oustide to play with the dogs) that your girlfriend was in Afghanistan, and you were worried about your job because you were a sheriff I think, and you were gonna have to like patrol or something, which I get I guess, but maybe some of the funding that went to your salary should have went to making sure you were okay.
Honestly 2020 was the same routine for me everyday from April to October, I went to your house four days a week, played with the dogs and cats, and cleaned the litterboxes. I also listened to a podcast like every time. A lot of My Favorite Murder, Sad Boys, Gus and Eddy, and Ear Biscuits. I don’t think that’s relevant, but I also know this letter is more for me than it is for you.
In October sometime your partner came back. Things did not go well. The first time that I came back after she got back I noticed that all of her cats were gone, and it was just Kurry and the dogs. All the picture of you two together, that were above your tv were gone too. And the caricature of you proposing to her at Disneyland was gone too. I didn’t ask you about it, and I’m not sure what you would have said if I did.
In December I was over pretty regularly, and throughout the year I had been giving you baked goods, but the last thing I gave you was Pumpkin pie that I had made for Thanksgiving. I had wanted to give you some kinda treat for Christmas, but I guess I ran out of time. You texted me a couple of days before the New Year, and asked me to tend to the dogs, and you said I didn’t have to stay the night. I did some stuff with my pod, and fed the dogs around six, and stayed till like seven or seven thirty, even though I had told you that I would hang out with them for longer. I came back over around 5:30, and left around 6:30, so I could take a nap (I had been up until four) before going on a walk with my pod.
So that was it until I finally got back home at 2:00pm January 1st. I texted you, and asked if you needed me to check on the dogs. I waited a little while, and my mom had said that she might have seen your truck earlier, and that was that. I felt off about it like all week though, until we saw people at your house, and they we taking all of your like dirt toys, quads, atvs. SO I thought that it was a nice day, and maybe you guys were all going to go play. I had a good time that Saturday. went out with my mom and brother, and convinced my cousin to workout with me. Later me and her went to get her some new shoes, and then we went back to my house so I could make everyone dinner like I normally do. I desperately wanted to make homemade pasta. It was okay.
I had had an unread text on my phone since like 3:40-4:00pm, and when my mom, cousin, and I decided to play a new board game, I thought “hey what a good time to answer this text.” Spoiler alert, wish I never had to open a text like that. it was from somebody that I went to high school with. His parents live across the street so we were friendly, but the text was weird, something about “we’re sorry if you need anything we’re here for you.” what? so I was like, nah we’re all good here, but thanks. He’s a little gossipy, so he told me the bad news. You had killed yourself. Okay.
I just tried to understand, my cousin and I sat on the couch with my parents, and tried to figure out what was gonna happen to the critters. My mom had texted my brother, as he had left, but when he came back he hadn’t looked on his phone yet so he came in like Donald Glover on Community, or like Moses on that one episode of Frenemies (yes I watch that). So that was kinda funny, except for how I felt so stupid for never just randomly texting you with a “hey how are you.”
I wanna tell you that I’m glad it didn’t happen in the house, because if it had, I would have found you. I think that makes me selfish, but I really don’t know what I would have done. Like I would have had to call the police, or your mom, and I would have had to call my parents, and I never would have been able to forget it. So thank you for that. And I also want to thank you for letting me take care of your critters, and thanks for giving me something productive, and achievable to do.
I hope you can see this wherever you are, and I hope it’s better for you there then it was here. But I also need you to know that I have thought about you everyday since i found out. I’ve thought about every time I talked to you, or texted you, and how every time I was more awkward, which I don’t understand how that works. I think about your dogs, and I think about your cat, and I think about your parents, and your brother, and your sister in law. I wish it didn’t have to happen this way, but I need you to know that there are so many people here who miss you, even if it’s in the little things.
Like, I know we didn’t know each other, but I can’t help but think about you. It hasn’t been a month yet, and I know that your parents, and your brother, and your friends, will, for the rest of their lives just have moments where they think of you and they’ll cry. I’ll cry. I know everyone will think about all of their happy moments with you, which is just as important, if not more. The main thing is all of these people will think of you just as much as they did before you were gone. Anyway I’m sorry that you had to go. I do not know if baseball is in the after life, I like to think you’re with your old black lab, the one you had shrine for. And I hope you get to drink your favorite beers, and eat hella Pumpkin pie. But I really hope that eventually you get to see Remi, Gunner, Oliver, and Kurry. And I hope you feel better.
Sincerely, a pseudo-stranger
hypothetically speaking 